Mixed Up

I feel really mixed up today. My head is all over the place and I feel confused and irritable. The reason? Well its a reason that I suppose really I should be pleased about. But I'm not. And I'm angry with myself because I'm not.

Does any of that make any sense? Probably not.

I have a second interview for a job on Monday. The first interview was this week and seems it went quite well, otherwise they wouldn't have called me back again to have the second interview next Monday.

The job is pretty well paid, I know what I would be doing - have done it before so that's nothing new, but, and here is the 'BUT' that I think is at the root cause of what is causing me the mixed up feeling, I would be doing an almighty amount of travelling again - up and out at 5 most mornings, not back much before 8 at night and possibly away from home a couple of nights a week. Its nothing new - I worked this way for several years, but I was younger then, my home circumstances were different and I had more energy......

More importantly and I think this is the real thing which is getting to me, I am already 'away from home' living with Himself most of the week in a caravan on the building site where he is based. So in effect I will be 'away from home ' twice over. Does that make any sense???

I am already missing home, my garden, my dog and my sons (one is 24 so he's not a baby, but he does still live at home, the other is to become a dad for the first time in August )and the thought of being away more is making me feel really down this morning.

I know, I know, I know that I should be eternally grateful that I have this opportunity of a second interview and the possibility of a paid job. I know that I should be viewing this as the opportunity to help get rid of this debt burden which is dragging us down. I know that I should be seeing this as a positive time in which I can help Himself move towards getting out of the job he is in, I know, I know, I know I should be looking at this positively, but this morning I feel down and mixed up but angry with myself for feeling like this. I also know that the company Himself works for have no intention of employing any labourers, so the work that I have been helping him with will have to be done by him somehow. That in itself adds more to his working day, but I cant continue indefinitely being an unpaid employee for a big company that has no consideration for their managers and thinks that 7 day week working should be 'normal' for them......

I'm probably being totally selfish and maybe I just need to give myself a good talking to and kick myself up the arse.......

I hate feeling confused.......