I'm having a real wobble today. I'm not fit to be let loose in the world so I am hiding at home, cuddled on the sofa with a snoring dog, listening to music which matches my mood and weeping buckets and being a snivelling mess.
First the good news, the really good news. Himself has had most of his tests back and nothing dreadfully awful is showing up. I cant tell you how relieved I am. However his liver is showing fatty lumps and the doctor says that he has Non Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease, (as opposed to an excess of booze which causes Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease) which basically means that the shite builders breakfasts, the pies, the sausage rolls and all sorts of other crap STOP NOW. Even though I have been banging on about these for years (I have never been a pastry person, it just wouldn't occur to me to go into a shop and buy a pie or sausage roll to east as a 'snack' Now chocolate that's a different story.........:-).........I'll probably find out at some point that I have got Non Alcoholic Chocolate Fatty Liver Disease :-) and at which point Himself will take great delight in getting his own back.....but I digress......
If he can really get his act together now (and believe me he is trying) apparently the NAFLD can be near enough reversed with a proper diet which in turn should help to sort his diabetes out. His levels this past week have been relatively good and the doc is now holding off the insulin injections pending him losing some weight and changing his diet drastically. When we are together he's not so bad as I tend to 'control' what he eats - makes me sound like some sort of bully I guess, but I eat (I think) more sensibly than he does under his own steam. So fingers crossed we will get there and I will have many many more years of the daft old sod under my feet.
The next bit of news is that we are seriously thinking of going back out to Perth as soon as we can raise the money. The problem is still proving to be me getting another job as I am the visa holder. Himself is at the point of 'Lets just go, Life's too short, We have had a reprieve etc ' and what will be will be. We can still stay in the 'cowshed' at his brothers place, but there is no paid work for me to go to as yet, either with his brother, or with anybody else.
And that's where I am having my wobble. Big big wobble today.
Yes we could get tickets and go. The Bump is due next week and to be there more or less straight after would be wonderful, I know how much they are missing us and we are missing them. But, and to me today, this is SUCH a BIG BUT.....I am scared stiff to go without any secure finances in place.
My head is full of what ifs'
What if I don't find work straight away - I have been trying for 4 months and nothing so far. We would be going out with little money, so could only last a short time without work and again its me that the Visa is dependant on, Himself can be a bus driver, brain surgeon or fisherman if he chooses, he has no restrictions on his working activities.
What if we have to come back? How can we afford it ? What do we come back to? We are both getting older and getting work is getting older. Having said that the dear Department of Pensions sent me a letter the other day informing me that I cannot retire until I am 67........thanks, that really cheered me up I can tell you
What would we come back to? If we go this time we would have to give our home up.
What about my dog, the one that's snuggled up next to me snoring? He has had all the required jabs to come out with us to meet Oz quarantine requirements, but I cant afford to take him right now.
My head is full of so many questions and obstacles (some I guess I am putting in the way, or I am being realistic, I am not sure which) So many Fors and Againsts. Plus a rising fear of panic which I am trying hard to sit on.
So I am sitting here with a snoring dog, who is totally oblivious to the fact that I feel like I am going mad, and cant decide what to do for the best because for the past three days I have thought my self round and round and round in circles until I have reached the point where I can't think straight at all. I think I will go and have a shower, I seem to do most of my 'better' thinking under the water spray.
I am missing my littlies terribly and they ask us more or less everytime we speak when are we going back to their house.......
On another note, I am sitting here waiting for a telephone call. My Almost Daughter is in hospital today having a planned C section for her second baby (First beautiful daughter was an emergency C Section). She didn't to know what it is, so today will be a lovely surprise for her and her hubby. I wish them all so much love. And then next week (also a planned arrival unless he arrives under his own steam) Grandson number 3 will arrive. And they STILL wont tell me what his name is to be............that really winds me up !! :-)